"I am sending you out like sheep among wolves.  Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves."

                                                                                                                                  Matthew 10:16

I've been asked to speak to a group in a couple months on a topic entitled Trust & Influence.  I'm excited because these are really fascinating elements -- the sort that undergird virtually all human interactions. 

The amount of literature in these areas is super-duper-bountiful, so let's make some moonshine today by distilling a few key ingredients into a couple potent drops.  These will be my primary talking points for the group in April.

Let's start with Trust.  My perspective on trust is that it is currency, so I tend to think of 10 'coins' -- the Trust Coins if you will.  Now, none of these coins is 'new,' they are, in fact, abundantly found in one form or another throughout nearly all trust literature.  But I like thinking of them in terms of money because, essentially, we're either broke, flush, or break-even in our relationships with others.  As Covey might say, "If you're broke in your relationship with another person, you cannot make any withdrawals."  Conversely, those who love us extend a great deal of grace...a relational 'line of credit,' perhaps.  (As an aside, a word of wisdom: Obey the 'platinum rule' [which is even better than gold] by treating others as they wish to be treated.  The day will come, as it always does, when you will screw up royally and wish you had been nicer, more forgiving or...more gracious.)

In short, if you want to be 'relationally rich,' mind your coins.  Be approachable (open door, receptive), Know your audience (meet others where they are, not where you want them to be), Demonstrate character & integrity (consider your 'brand' and live a life whole and undivided; contrast this with many current politicians), Be competent, Find commonalities with others, Be credible (believable, reliable), Demonstrate empathy (remember, the boomerang often returns), Demonstrate win/win/win intent (you, others, the organization at large), Demonstrate propriety (appropriate professional behavior), and Live consistently (back to the idea of integrity, your pattern of behavior over time is a huge predictor for 'being counted upon' or not). 

Continuing to the notion of Influence, then, the correlations become clear.  Someone who is 'relationally rich' is vastly more likely to be influential.  But influence is an exceedingly deep and broad topic, so let's break it down into 2 bites: Principles & Personhood.

Essentially, influence manifests through two sources -- a half-dozen principles and about nine related aspects of one's personhood.

What does this mean?

Well, take principles, for instance, which are sort of like phenomena.  Where we see Consistency occur (for example, if you behave consistently 'good'), we tend to see influence increase.  Where we see Reciprocation occur (for example, you 'give' because you realize this increases the likelihood that you will 'get'), we tend to see influence increase.  And the same is true for Social Proof (a group of us stares at a building across the street and 'everyone' stops to stare...something must be going on or important!), and Scarcity (the fewer iPads available on Day 1 and the longer the lines will be), and Authority (a police officer's badge 'does' something) and Liking (those who are liked tend to be more influential than those who are disliked).    

But personhood, while conceptually related to these principles, is unique: it is influence that emanates from who you are more than what you do or solely how you behave.  Indeed, it's difficult to uncouple the two, I know, but think of it this way: a principle is something 'going on' while my personhood is 'who I am or how I'm perceived.'  Intertwined, yes...but distinct.  A skeptic might argue, "But isn't WHO I AM...WHAT I DO?"  And the anwer, of course, is complicated.  In short, it is 'yes, mostly...' but 'no, not necessarily.'  Perhaps more on that another day. 

Your 'personal' influence, then, often derives from nine common sources, two of which (Legitimate and Referent) overlap with principles I've described above.  Legitimate influence emanates from the fact that you are, say, the boss!  And as the boss, "What I say goes!"  (But only so far, in fact.  Legitimate influence is actually among the least influential.  After all, when the boss turns his back, what do we do?  That's right...now you've got the idea.)  Referent influence is similar to Likeability...I am attracted to you, for whatever reasons, and as a result I tend to like you and, therefore, I'm more inclined to be influenced by you.

The dark side to influence is that charlatans, sharks, snake-oil salesmen, con artists and Ponzi schemers exploit these principles and elements of personhood by pursuing just the right sort of pigeons/marks/prey most inclined to be influenced: those in distress, the lonely/isolated, the naive/trusting/gullible, the caregiver, the person who thinks he is smarter than the ploy or -- as Jesus Christ indicated in the scripture above -- those who traipse through life as doves, always trusting and denying the existence of wolves.  (Just because I deny their existence does not mean they don't exist.) 

By way of interest, Mensa members and Nobel Prize Laureates are regarded by con artists as easier prey because their success and confidence give them a false sense of security.  Luminaries reason, "I'm smarter than everyone I know.  No one can dupe me."  And voila, just like that the credit default swapper (aka 'institutional pickpocket') distracts them with feigned awe, ignorance, brilliance or a 'once-in-a-lifetime opportunity' that 'no one else sees,' pivots around their sense of imperviousness and takes them for all they're worth.

The remaining seven elements that shape influence include Affiliation (e.g., my mafia or gang membership gets me a good table on Friday night), Coercion (if you don't do what I say, I'm the type who will beat you about the head and shoulders with this bat), Competition (the pizza only has 8 slices and every piece I eat is one less for you, aka 'zero sum'), Expertise (I'm the doctor and what I say goes), Guilt (for as long as you disobey, you're in my doghouse), Information (I have the data and I lord it over you) and Reward (if you play nice, I'll give you a cookie).  No doubt, these seven elements have a lot to do with principles but, essentially, many people are 'wired' a certain way...nature, nurture, or the combination of both have shaped their personhood like a river stone and we come to 'know them' as being this way.  (There is, of course, flexibility or redemption, but these are unquestionably bigger topics for another month!) 

Summarizing then, Trust & Influence operate circuitously, one reinforcing the other.

On your journey to make the world a better place, keep a third eye on your own behavior (how you are seen, perceived) and the behaviors of others, lest you over or underestimate them.  Some are wolves in sheep's clothing -- seeking to manipulate and take advantage under guises, ruses, masks and the covers of trust...while others, like Christ himself, are mistaken by many for lunatics or heretics when they come open-handed with nothing but goodwill.

In his bittersweet swan song, The Last Lecture, Carnegie Mellon professor Randy Pausch shared countless pearls of wisdom about living and dying.  Ten months later, he died at the age of 48 from pancreatic cancer, but not before saying, "You have to decide if you're a Tigger or an Eeyore."

Every hour and minute of every day is difficult and tragic for someone somewhere.  I've touched briefly on the subject of grief over the years, but paraphrasing now Associate Justice Sonia Sotomayor, "What perspective does a WASPy, middle class, opportunity-fortunate American have?"  Perhaps very little...as little as a Princeton and Yale Law School graduate might have. 

A few statistics to set a baseline for 'perspective:'

1. 876,213 children were reported missing in the United States in 2000 (FBI National Crime Information Center).  Remarkably, the NCIC estimates that kidnappings comprise less than 2% of all violent crimes against juveniles reported to police.  This means that a lot worse is likely happening than we know.

2. In the summer of 1931, between 1 million and 4 million Chinese died in a flood. 

3. In 2004, approximately 230,000 innocents died in what is known as the Indian Ocean earthquake. 

4. An estimated 230,000 more died 35 days ago in Haiti. 

5. Between 1348 and 1350, 'The Black Death' pandemic killed an estimated 30-60% of Europe's population. 

The list of such atrocities, from those perpetrated upon the most innocent among us (children) by the most evil among us (ill and/or wicked adults) to natural disasters, is a long one.  For all intents and purposes, it might as well be infinite. 

As I glance through my last 155 blog entries, it appears that I've written about loss or death perhaps a dozen times.  Generally, I strive to encourage.  So why am I periodically moved to consider end-of-life issues, wisdom for my daughter, or matters as seemingly vainglorious as 'legacy?'

As someone who writes often and has for many years, writing becomes -- in retrospect -- a bit like a Rorschach inkblot...reflecting (obviously) one's thoughts and emotions.  The same is true for all of us, of course, though I doubt very seriously that busy people proofread, for the sake of comparison, archived emails as much as I do this blog.  What glutton would? 

I share these uncharacteristically personal and intimate thoughts for a reason.  Yes, there is a point.  I am going somewhere with this seemingly random stream of consciousness...hang in there. 

This has been a difficult week, but only temperately compared to the grievous losses sustained by two dear families who -- quite unexpectedly and most certainly prematurely -- watched as beloved individuals died in their arms.

The pain at 'ground zero' is always the greatest, fading more forgivingly as it ripples out and away from the epicenter like waves in a pond.  9/11...the loss of a child...a sibling...a parent...a friend...we all know loss too well, undoubtedly experiencing our own round in the ring and logically concluding this tour with the ultimate reckoning. 

While the sum of all losses occurring across the globe is unfathomable, unimaginable, incomprehensible...we each have our very personal and proximate narrative of loss.  As budding storytellers in grammar school, we are educated to start with something smallish: a child is born, a boy hurts his knee, a girl falls in love, a family seeks a better life.  And from such seeds, we extrapolate.  The story bounces along, characters come and go, things happen.  On the way, the reader is drawn in, drawn down, drawn up.  And perhaps at the conclusion thinks, "Wow.  That's me."  Or, "That's humankind." 

I cannot wrap my head around famine and disease in Africa.  But I can wrap my hand around the hand of Kiki, the seven-year-old boy in Haiti who emerged from the concrete eight days after the quake.  Or I can hug him, or pay for his medical attention, or feed him, or promise to pay for his education, or all of the above.

So rather than minimizing my own life experience because it is too WASPy, simply lamenting the woes of nearly 1 million U.S. children who are reported missing each year, or throwing my hands up in despair because I do not know how I can possibly help Africa...I should instead ask myself something manageable like, "Will I be an Eeyore or a Tigger?"

This mindset applies not only to the most important matters of life and death, but also to the routine and trivial: Will I whine when my pizza has too much tomato sauce?  Or when the man with the world's longest torso places himself before me in the movie theater?  Or when the parking slot closest to the entrance is 'stolen' by a spritelike teenager in a Porsche?

No, I shall not.

Eeyore would, but I will not. 

I may not be the archetypal Tigger that Pausch embodied, but I cannot, in good conscience, be an Eeyore.

Eeyores are over-populated already, and it would be a crime to enlarge their number.

My own take is this: We rarely know even at the end whether we released Boomerangs or Balloons throughout our life, but no matter.  Both were meant to fly.

Sometimes I aim high and throw hard -- and life reciprocates.  I give love, and love comes back.  I study and work hard, and the world opens her arms.  I discipline my child, and she thanks me later by living a life replete with joy and grace and contribution. 

But sometimes, no matter how high I aim or how hard I throw, there is no echo...no feedback.  Just silence.  Or tragedy I cannot understand.  The love I give...gone.  The sacrifice I make...gone.  The job, the purpose, the savings, the home, the child, the dream, the freedom, the country...gone.

Whether a flood, an earthquake, a plague, or an intimate casualty -- we can only comprehend so much.

But we must, and we shall.

And when we're gone, so will those behind us and those behind them.

Humankind is resilient and people, particularly Tiggers, are wired to move forward.  And the rest must be encouraged to rise to their feet, dust themselves off, and soldier on.  After all, we're not always Tiggers or always Eeyores -- these 'labels' are really just descriptions of behavior...so from time to time, we're one or the other.  You'd be amazed at how contagious Tiggerness is.  (Or Eeyoreness, for that matter.)  Such things are viral and communicable (like clapping, laughing, and crying), as has been proven anecdotally, empirically, and statistically more times than you might care to know.  

The majority of people are inclined to inquire, seek, and find that boomerang you threw into the fray all those years ago.  Or that balloon you released in the stillness of night, the one they eventually untangle from the tree halfway across the state.

So don't worry about what life will bring or doubt whether you can make a difference.  The last move, whether a boomerang or a ballon, is the same: let go. 

The ripple effects of your life are best recounted by those who succeed you, for they will tell your story personally just as I am generally. 

If you lived estimably, there will be those who remember.  Who will wish they could call you, hug you, see your smile.  And they will weep at their loss but rejoice in your life.

It's one of the greatest ironies in life's orchard: The fruit only ripens when you leave the grove.

So do the very best you can with all you've got for as long as you're given -- and embrace joyfully the realization that those behind you will indeed experience your harvest. 

The list is in.

Be sure to read the brief article on #1 SAS; it's a fascinating bounty of best practices. 

I stumbled across an interesting article in a recent European issue of Fortune that explores the dollar-value of corporate virtue and, in particular, trust.  Perhaps you'll find it interesting, too.

This morning I received a rather humorous email alleging, "A magazine recently ran a Dilbert Quotes contest, eliciting quotes about real-life Dilbert-type managers submitted by their employees.  Here are some of the best submissions from corporate America..."

Alleged Dilbert-Manager Quotes.pdf (99.48 kb)